Our Version
by JK writer
Summary: Crack fic. Good Vibrations and addictions rule this world. Come join the characters of RENT on this fun and quirky journey!


Mimi fidgeted in her seat as she searched her mind for the correct words to tell the two men across from her.

"Mimi, what is it?" Roger asked again. He was getting worried about his girlfriend. Mark also leaned forward.

"Are you... are you two..." Mimi began.

"Are we...?"

"Areyouguyssecretlysleepingtogether?" Mimi blurted out.

"WHAT?" Mark exclaimed.

"No way!" Roger answered. "Where did you get that from?"

"Oh, nowhere." Mimi stood and began walking to the door. "Angel and I were just talking and we thought that sounded hot so I decided I'd ask. Are we still on for tonight, Roger?"

"Uhhh.. yeah." Roger replied, still confused.

Mimi smiled, waved, and left the two men sitting there.  
"I'm having SUCH a weird day!" Mark complained.

"What could have happened that's weirder than that??" Roger asked.

"Well, it all started when I met Joanne on the street."

--------

"Mark sweetheart! I'm so glad I ran into you!!!" Joanne exclaimed.

They were about a block from her apartment and Joanne looked like she just finished running a marathon.

"Are you okay?" asked Mark.

"Yes, I'm fine." Joanne replied. "But Mark, I have a few confessions for you..."

Mark blinked. "Umm... okay, spill then."

"I'm not really a lawyer, I'm a florist."

"...okay..."  
"And I'm not really a lesbian."

Mark felt himself backing up as Joanne stepped closer to him.

"So..." she continued

"S-so..." Mark stuttered.

"Here's a token of my feelings!" Joanne exclaimed. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a gigantic trout. Before Mark could say anything, the slimy fish was laid in his arms bridal style and Joanne had left.

!..$&$!!$  
Mark shook his head in wonder at how his day was going and went back to work in his dance studio.

Back at Angel and Collins' place, things of a different sort were starting to heat up, in the worst possible way.

"What do you mean, you think Mark has a problem? Mark is FINE! How could he possibly be a cutter? Woman, I think you are over-thinking things here!!" Yelled Collins.  
"But honey, all the things are pointing to..." Replied Angel, as he was cut off by Collins.  
"NO, don't even finish that sentence!"  
"Look," continued Angel, "when it all comes down to it, it's not our decision what Mark does. But Cutco knifes are expensive and I don't think that we will ever be able to steal a good set ever again. Don't you think it's a little suspicious that the set disappears little by little and Mark always wears long sleaves?"  
"Uhh... Angel, I have a confession." Collins began.  
Angel looked at Collins, surprised. "You mean you--"  
"I ACCIDENTLY MELTED THE KNIVES WITH MY HEAT VISION!" Collins exclaimed. "I HAVE SUPERPOWERS! HAPPY???"

"You melted our CUTCO knives with heat vision..." Angel started.  
"Right."  
"And you have super powers..."  
"Right."  
"That's pretty neat. We should try to steal an air conditioner next. I thought that would be too difficult before, but since you have superpowers-"  
"Angel...?"  
"Collins- with your super powers and my not-typical-for-my -true-gender hotness in a skirt- we can do anything!"

And off Angel and Collins went into the streets to save the world and snatch an air conditioner while they are it.  
MEANWHILE, Back at the bat cave..  
No, really it's just at Mark's Dance Studio..

"NO, no, you are doing it all wrong! It's one TWO three four, not one two THREE four.. Keep doing the step until you get it right!" Mark screamed at the klutzy dancer, wrapping his scarf around his neck again as he walked off. 'Damn lazy dancers. It's not like the old days, thats for sure, my pretty.' He muttered to his scarf in a quiet undertone. 'But you still love me, don't you?! Who's my pretty scarf? You is, yes, you is!'

"OH MARK!" the scarf exclaimed. "Even in the winter you must take me off during your dance classes! I get so lonely!"  
"I'm sorry scarf, but dancing is my life. Along with you, the long sleaves, and the filming!" Mark replied dramatically, choking back a sob.  
"NEVER take me off again!"  
Mark felt a tear go down his cheek. "Never again, my dear scarf. You are too precious to me to let go. Not even for the greatest of vibrations!"

Mark, filled with happiness. Ran out into the street with his arms in the air. "TODAY'S THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!" he exclaimed to all the blank faced people passing by.  
"Mr. Cohen," someone called from the dance studio, "you forgot your uhh... fish."

"AH, crap. Toss it down, please! I'm planing on making it for dinner. (Just hope it's fresh!)" Mark yelled up to the unknown yet helpful person. Once Mark had his fish in his arms, he ran the rest of the way home.  
Upon opening the door though, Mark saw something that he hoped he'd never see again, yet knew he probably would. Mimi's ass waving hi at him was a sight to scare the bravest. But it was Roger's bare chest that created the feelings coursing though Mark's system.  
"Uh, did I interrupt something?" Mark querried to the couple.

"No, you're just in time for the good part!" Maureen said from where she sat on the couch. "Popcorn?"  
Mark awkwardly sat next to his ex-girlfriend and took her up on the offer of popcorn.  
"I see you brought home a fish" Maureen stated. "So Joanne came out of the outside of the closet..."  
Mark blinked. "...what?"  
"You know what I mean." Maureen replied sighing. "And until I can find someone else, I'm reduced to watching live porn."  
"Which we will happily supply!" exclaimed Roger and Mimi in unison.  
Mark buried his face in his scarf, his face very red. "THIS IS SOOO WRONG!"  
"No Mark," Maureen said calmly, before the scarf could comfort him, she pointed out the window where they could see Collins wearing a cape flying around holding Angel who was dragging an air conditioner along by it's cord. "-That's- wrong."

Mark squinted. "Is that Collins?? And Angel??"  
"You, dear boy, need better glasses."  
"Oh, and give me back my scarf!!" a paranoid Mark yelled at Maureen.

Roger jerked up from his bed, panting as if he had just run a marathon. "Damn, that was one weird dream," he stuttered out. "Superpowers, live porn, fishes, dancing, and a threesome.. What next?!"  
"Uh, Rog, you weren't quite dreaming.." Two voices answered him from the dark bed.  
"Man, I never thought that you and Mark really WERE doing something together.. Thanks for including me!" Squealed Mimi.

Mark squealed back. "We were happy to have you join us!" He hugged her. Suddenly, he froze. "Oh man, don't tell me I might have AIDS now."

Mimi smiled, "Don't worry! No one ever dies like that in crack fanfiction! People usually die like that..." she pointed at the couch where Maureen was fighting a gigantic Mario Bros. type plant that was trying to eat her.

"That's a relief!" Mark said. "But how will we save Maureen?"

"I'll save her!" boomed a heroic voice in the entrance to the loft.

"IT'S SUPER COLLINS!!!!!!!" exclaimed Roger and Mimi.  
"Da da da DUUUUMMM!" sang Angel as she walked in behind Collins.

"Eat herbicide, Plant!" Collins exclaimed as he did some kind of super punch. The plant fell to the ground dead.

"MY HERO!" Maureen exclaimed.  
She leaned up to give Collins a kiss of thanks when Angel decided that it was enough.  
"Hey, Maureen, what were you doing sleeping on Mark, Roger and Mimi's couch?" Angel asked Maureen.  
"ah...um... uhhh... well, see, I, I, I... I waswatchingthemlastnight. I COULDN'T Help it!! I need help. I enjoy watching people have intercourse. I think I need rehab or something!" Hysterically Maureen broke down in front of everyone present. Suddenly Benny showed up and said "I know a place, I'll pay."

"Oh, Benny! I'm glad you're here!" Collins said "I need some money to buy myself an awesome super hero costume!"  
"And -I- keep telling you that the shower curtain I found in the alley the other day would be perfect." Angel remarked.

"Oh, Benny, I'm going to need some money for some dance shoes- I mean film. Yeah, film. For filming." Mark added.

"Mark honey, we know all about your dance studio." Mimi said calmly.  
"What? No! I don't hear you!" Mark said quickly as he covered his ears. "Lalalalalallalalalalalala!"

"Okay, you two." Benny said to Mark and Maureen, "off to therapy we go!"

While at therapy, Mark was told that he had a strange addiction. HIs addiction was to scarfs and long sleeved shirts.

Maureen exceled in the therapy that she was placed in, came back into society, and promptly lost herself back into live porn- Roger and Mark and Mimi porn, and Angel and Collins live porn. She tried to hook up with Joanne but it just didn't work between them, seeing as how Joanne wanted Mark in the worst sort of way possible.

So, the whole gang was reunited once again and they decided to have a party before they went to Santa Fe to open a resturant. Maureen got trashed on whiskey, Collins and Angel got high (on life of course), Mark came in late with Joanne from attending his monthly meeting of scarfs annonymous. He found the house (loft) trashed since the party was in full swing by that time.  
"Hey, Roger! I'm back from my meeting. Can I get a long sloe screw against the wall? (a drink) Oh, and what's up with Maureen, is she High?!?"

"No," Roger replied, "she durk." "Oh." said Mark. "You durk?"  
"No." Roger replied, "I horny."  
"Oh." said Mark. "I Tarzan."  
"No." Roger replied. "You high."  
"Oh.  
"Well, since you are horny and I am Tarzan, want to take this to the bedroom?"  
Roger took a second to think about all the rammifications that would happen if he took Mark to his bed-again. Then he dicided to jump in with both feet and both heads and grabbed Mark, pulling him along into the bedroom.  
Meanwhile, Everyone was running out of licquor and decided that they needed to go on a beer run. They decided that since Angel was the most coherent out of all of them, she would be the one to go inside and make the purchase. Luckly they didn't have to walk far since the store was 1/2 a block away.

"We don't need to walk! We can fly to the liquor store!" Collins exclaimed. But as soon as he got off the ground he slammed into the side of a building and went sliding down.

"Collins, honey, please don't fly when you're both high and durk, okay?" Angel requested.

"OWLS!" screeched Mimi. "They're after me!" She dove into a garbage can. The group just continued on without her.

They finally reached the liquor store. Angel went through the aisles picking out what they could afford and went to the register.

"Got ID, ma'am?" the cashier asked without barely a glance at Angel.  
"Sure do!" Angel chirped. She got out her ID and placed it on the counter.

The cashier looked at the very clearly male image and then at the woman standing before him. "Uhhh..." He looked back at the image, which was still of a young faced man.

"Is there a problem?" Angel asked.

"No sir- I mean, ma'am. I mean- will that be cash or credit?"  
"Cash." Angel replied. She made her purchase and left.


End file.
